Year 25.

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It’s mind-boggling how time flies. Up until now, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that another year has pass and this will be the second time I’ll celebrate it in the midst of a pandemic. Huh. What a disaster. If someone would make me describe how my life has been the past year, I’d say that it was a fucking roller coaster. In a span of a year, my life has changed than it has ever been in my entire life. It all started with a bad break up, and then I lost myself after that. And I honestly wish I’m exaggerating it but unfortunately for me, no. I didn’t really know where to start from there so you can just imagine the struggle. Anyway, during that dark phase of my life, I have tried so many things I never did, I have met so many people and in the process—I’ve gotten to know myself more than ever. It’s honestly humiliating to admit this but I’ve never experienced going out to drink and have fun during my teenage years and up until last year. I know right? It’s crazy! Being an introvert who really had a tight circle, I unexpectedly have surrounded myself with people who doesn’t enjoy doing what the usual teenager-young adults do; You know, like being fun and spontaneous in general. I was never that girl. And then shit hit the fan, I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know how to cope so I tried new things! I’ve reconnected with friends I haven’t talked to for years, met new people and I learned to say YES. I’ve gotten so used to saying no that it felt liberating to say yes. It was exhilarating and the adrenaline rush I felt every time I’d say yes to doing fun things was so new that I felt so addicted to it. So, let’s list down SOME of the best things I’ve experienced during the peak of my yolo phase:

  • I lost weight. I didn’t reach my goal weight or should I say haven’t yet (because I’ve gain a few due to stress eating LOL) But I lost so much and I am so so so proud of myself for that.
  • I finished my virtual internship in the midst of a quarter life crisis (Is that what you even call that? I don’t know!) and God knows how much I wanted to give up. I was depressed during this time that I was crying while creating a proposal for a big brand.
  • I got so depressed that I almost didn’t want to enroll on my last semester in uni but my friends convinced me that I should. And I did. Best decision ever.
  • I GRADUATED. I remember waking up at around 7 in the morning and I think it was 2 days away from the official day of releasing of grades. I randomly checked our portal. Lo and behold, the student status changed from “4th year student” to “Graduated Student”. It was the fucking best day of my life. I cried. so. much. All the struggle I’ve gone through, it all flashed back. I cried and called my family. It was a day to remember. Seeing them proud of me. It was especially an emotional moment for me because I was so lost and demotivated to finish it. And somehow I did.
  • I went on a spontaneous road trip to the beach at 12 midnight with my cousin and best friend. So the story was, we were out drinking at a bar and I kept saying to them that I’m about to graduate and all I want is to see the beach, hear the waves and feel the sand on my feet. During this time, we’ve been on a lockdown since the pandemic started and I haven’t seen the beach for longer than that. So that was my only wish. And our other friends didn’t want to go because at that time it was already around 10PM and they didn’t want to risk the road trip so late at night. So at that point I was pretty sad but I understood them. However, my cousin and best friend really wanted to go. But we just stopped insisting because the others didn’t want to. Fast forward to 12 midnight, we decided to go home already. I remember sitting in the passenger side, my cousin at the back and my best friend driving to take us home when suddenly, we all looked at each other smiling, thinking of the same freaking thing: to push through with the road trip. I remember we were laughing so hard when my best friend didn’t turn right to take us home. Instead, he went to the direction of the express way. It was exhilarating! (Disclaimer that my best friend wasn’t drunk. We weren’t.) The trip was somehow short and fun. We got lost! I think we were lost for about 30 minutes and when we finally found an outpost, we were already 30 minutes away from Nasugbu beach (which was our destination.) It was SO scary and we were all a little freaked out but we made it somehow. So at 3AM, we made it to the beach. We just sat there, took a reeeeally realllly deep breath to get rid of all the heavy shit we had for the past months and just savored that little moment we had at the beach. We only stayed for about half an hour and decided to leave and go home. Though it was short, I really loved that experience.
  • I went on numerous road trips to Tagaytay at midnight just to freaking drink at a parking lot while hiding the alcohol at the compartment of the car because we definitely could’ve gotten trouble if we were busted. Haha. I swear we were in Tagaytay once or twice a week that I just didn’t feel excited going to Tagaytay anymore unlike before!
  • 2 months after I graduated, I finally got a job! It was for a non-government organization which was my dream before. I remember just wanting to work for an organization that does something to help people and surprisingly, it was my first job.
  • I got into a new job which I don’t really want to elaborate on just because! *smirks*
  • I met someone. and no I don’t want to elaborate on that as well. But I’m happy and that’s all that matters.

Looking back, the past year has been so full of life. I have felt so alive. I might have woken up sad and lost every day, but all the experiences I had overthrows all the sadness. During this time, I have gotten so much closer to God. In the process of healing from what broke me, I turned to Him. At first, I was honestly ashamed of going to Him just because I was in a dark place but it was what changed everything. He changed me. He healed me. He gave me peace and hope. He gave me love when no one gave it to me because at that point, even my family was angry at me. I remember hearing them say that I became a different person, that it wasn’t who I am. But really, who was I? Because I felt like my life was a lie. I was in my comfort zone all along. I became so isolated that my life revolved around a person. And it’s why it had to happen; because I had to learn a lesson. A really hard one. And it feels so good to finally say that I am free. I have learned to love myself, to prioritize myself above all, and to feel grateful for everything. Even during the bad days.

So now, I’m turning 25 in a few days. It feels funny to say it. It sounds very adult-ish in my opinion knowing that I’m far from it. I still feel like I’m 18. It’s crazy how time flies. I have learned so much and I can really say that this is the version of myself that I love and that my past self wanted me to be. I am not that self-centered and impatient person girl anymore. This girl that I’ve become? She’s humble, hopeful, a bit of a cry baby still *giggles*, and grateful. She is tough. And she didn’t overcome her darkest phase of her life alone, she was accompanied by friends and God. She wouldn’t have made it if not for them.

I am so blessed and I don’t even know how to describe how grateful I am but it’s all Him. It’s all because of Him and it’s all for Him.

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