Of growth and acceptance

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I used to be self-centered. So self-centered that I mostly let my emotions get the best of me and don’t consider other people’s feelings. I was so caught up with my ego that it didn’t matter that I was being toxic, I just needed to be the right one. And then last year happened. I was completely caught off guard. It was something I didn’t expect happening to me, ever. That’s one of my biggest flaw, I think. I trust people so much to a point that I don’t see them doing something bad to me; like betraying me. And then I just woke up one day and he did. My life fell apart. I questioned everything. I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know where to start because my life revolved around a person. I was in a very dark place for awhile. But I swore to myself that I’d change, that I would strive to become a better and much wiser person. Everyday, I woke up not wanting to. I woke up with swollen eyes and a heavy heart. I felt alone and hopeless. And then slowly, I reached the surface where I could see a sliver of light. I held on to it. It was all I wanted to see and feel, the light. I thought, “Ganito pala feeling na mabuhay ulit?” I felt so alive in moments I was with people who accompanied me through my pain. I felt like I wasn’t dead. And then I woke up one day and I was okay again. I was whole. I wasn’t broken anymore—I was healed.

One thing I realized is that, the waiting is the hardest part. Waiting for what? I don’t know. I just knew that I was waiting for something. But if you have faith in that waiting phase, that one day you would eventually find your place in this world again… You would find whatever it is you’re looking for. Life will really give you the most challenging circumstances to change you. Especially if it’s long overdue. It will keep on giving you the same thing until you finally learn the lesson. The universe might be harsh, you might end up hating everything and questioning everything, but you will come out of it. Trust in Him, trust that He is there with you. He just have to put you out of your comfort zone because you need to grow and evolve to the person you are meant to be. Come to think of it, I would never want to be the same person I was before. If someone would ask me if I was willing to go through it again, I would. Because then I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

While I was going through my dark phase, it wasn’t easy. I constantly asked Him why. I constantly hated everything and everyone. I just wanted to end it all. I didn’t want to exist. No one mattered except me and my emotions because it was eating me alive. My anxiety was something I couldn’t fight. It was just in my head but it manipulated my entire being. I hated seeing the sun. I was always up all night listening to sad music, feeding my little head. Nothing could make me really happy. Maybe I was just really good at pretending whenever I’m with other people, but when I was alone, that’s when I feel it. I was an empty shell. My family didn’t understand the gravity of what I was going through—they ended up adding to the fire. I got worse because of that. It wasn’t easy going through an identity crisis in the middle of a pandemic. It was fucking hell.

But the numerous drunken nights crying and letting it all out to my friends is one of the things that helped me go through it, because for so long, I bottled it all up inside of me. It was consuming me. And then I woke up, and I was okay. I was happy. I got to know myself more than ever. I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want. Don’t get me wrong it didn’t happen in a blink of an eye; I didn’t wake up fully healed and figured it all out. I still had so many doubts and questions at that point but I was hopeful.

And then so many good things happened after that, I finally graduated after 7 years in college. I reconnected with a lot of friends I didn’t talk to for years. I was closer to them more than ever. 2 months later I finally got a stable job. I remember around February this year, I finally gave up on “finding love”. I stopped giving a shit about it in general. I just wanted to focus on myself and work hard so I can save up. And when I stopped, someone came. It’s funny how life works sometimes, no? But little did I know, it was a blessing in disguise. For once, I had something to look forward to. I had someone to be crazy and fun with. I had someone whom I know I can trust and lean on again. Someone I knew would see through me. Someone who broke down my wall.

It wasn’t all good days with him. We had our bad days. We almost gave up on numerous occasions but we fought through it. And then suddenly, he had to leave for work. In all honesty, I wasn’t ready for it. Although I was aware of it right from the start, I wasn’t ready because it was all so sudden. I didn’t have time to prepare myself mentally. However, I knew I had to be strong—not just for me, but also for him. He’s the one going away and I have to be his strength.

And then shit hit the fan, we had to separate ways. I realized that I wasn’t as selfless as I thought. I wasn’t the “big person” as I wanted to be. But I am only human. I will make mistakes no matter how much I want to be kind and patient. But it also made me realize how much I’ve changed, how much love I can and I’m willing to give despite the bad days. But again, the universe has its own way of making things happen. It was beyond my (or even his) control. We just have to separate ways because we were already so lost. You know what hurts? It’s not having the choice to fight because the person you love has to fight and grow through it alone. Sometimes, we choose to go through our darkest days alone, because of the fear of dragging them down the shithole with us. But it shouldn’t always be the case. We can’t survive anything alone. We weren’t made to be alone. We have to humble ourselves and ask for help. Most especially if there are people who wants to be there with you. But like everybody says, everything happens in time. Maybe it’s not just the right time. Maybe we’re just being consumed by our own feelings that we just have to let go to be able to breathe.

And that’s what I did, I let go. I prayed and prayed and prayed for his healing. I prayed that I hope one day, he’d find himself again and even if I am not a part of that anymore, I would be happy for him. I have to. I’m still sad and broken because I didn’t want to let go, but I just gave it all up to Him because I know he has plans. I can’t always have my way in this world. It’s all in His hands. I know this had to happen because we both had to learn something that we would take with us for the rest of our lives.

Growth is hard. Letting go is hard. But what’s yours is yours in this lifetime. It will find you no matter what. Have faith in your storm. Let it happen. Let people love you, let people accompany you through it. You will be okay. You will find yourself again. You will find your way back again.

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